I guess I did abandon the blog, but so much has been going on. New focus and direction of my blog will be all about me, and it won’t be pretty most days.
I am extremely annoyed with everyone, but mainly with myself. It is like I have no control over anything anymore.
I know it has been awhile since I have written but I have been busy. Within the next week, I will provide details.
I don’t have many friends, and I like it that way but have to say the ones that I do have rock. This is an ode celebrating you.
Natalie is my dearest friend. We had dinner yesterday. (I did not workout afterward.) She gets me like no other. There is always so much to talk about with her but never enough time. She showed me some great core exercises that I will be trying tonight.
Bill is another great friend. He helped me get this blog site up-and-running. He used to help me with my time sheet, though we were working at separate places at the time. if I need some artwork or music factoids, Bill can be counted on.
More great pals that I have are my sister Brenda, my friends Joey, Jenny, Olivia, and Josephine. And my one and only David is just special.
Bill and Natalie rock in so many ways but it is a busy Friday, and I must get to work.
I am on strike!
Some of it is voluntary and some of it is not.
Where do I begin with expressing the things that I am striking against? Well there is work. Actually, I am not striking against work. I am striking against this coworker of mine who does not put in her fair share. I am not sure what her problem is, and I don’t know what she does all day. I do know that I am tired of her shirking her responsibilities and, sometimes, downright thrusting them on me. It does not help when my supervisor does not say anything about it, because she knows that me or the other copy editor will get it done.
I am also on strike from facilitating my lazy ass, mooch, male roommate who does not clean up behind himself. I don’t think me striking from doing his dishes or throwing his garbage away will make him do it. My landlord, who is also my roommate and high school friend, will just do it. I hate not liking my male roommate because he is a nice guy who thinks he lives with maids. He has other issues too. The main one being he is 27 but acts 17.
I think my body is striking against me; I know that my mind has. It feels like I am stuck at 142. Do I really have an unhealthy relationship with food if I want to have a burger again one day? Is that very “fat” of me? I am seriously asking the question. How about some very cheesy nachos? Thai food? I am not saying that I want to eat like this everyday or every week. Also is it lazy of me to not want to exercise five days every single week? To want to sleep in or lay around in pajamas every blue moon? Here comes 100 Grand candy bar question. Is it fat and lazy of me to every once in a while lay in bed with a bag of flaming hot chips and glass of wine (yes, both of them) and do nothing but watch a movie? Maybe that is the problem: I have yet to come to terms that I will have to exercise for two hours five days a week and I can never indulge in a guilty pleasure. And to appear to have a healthy relationship with food, I can never admit that I like chips, tacos, fried foods, cheese, and some sweets. These things I must look upon with disdain and disgust (or at least some people seem to think I should).
The other day, after making my sticky buns, I did the unthinkable and tried one. Well, of course I felt guilty and burned 810 calories on the exercise bike for a bun that was the size of a large cookie (not the size of an average bun). That was Tuesday (keep in mind that I burned 690 calories Tuesday morning). Wednesday morning, I burned 700 calories on the bike and went to the gym for my afternoon workout but was too tired to burn more than 165 calories on the elliptical. I am not sure if that extra workout Tuesday hurt or helped me in the long run. I also only got three hours of sleep. This morning, I was still burnt out and was only on the bike for 50 minutes and burned (only!) 620 calories.
WHAT GIVES? I give I guess. I am just not happy with it all.
By the way, my sticky buns were very good.
At the gym yesterday I burned a total of 612 calories. I finally know an accurate account of how many I burned because I now use a heart rate monitor. This morning, I burned 690 calories. My caloric intake for the day is 1238.
I talked to my long-distance *love* yesterday. We talk everyday. He lives in Canada and I live in Chicago. I still can’t believe that someone like him would be genuinely interested in someone like me. I know he has his flaws but he is very attractive, and I am not. Beauty is not everything but it does account for a lot. No, that is not fair. There is so much to write about that, and I should not do it while I am at work.
Speaking of work, I should get to it.
So, for the last two weeks I have been doing what is called calorie cycling. I honestly don’t know if it is helping or not. I have been stuck at 142 lbs for two weeks now. Today was a high day and I consumed 1437 calories. Honestly, (believe it or not after my binge) that is high for me. Though this is still below my daily caloric intake, I feel myself getting bigger. Tomorrow is a low day, and I should consume about 1230. I used to consume 1000 a day but the feeling of passing was getting to me, and I honestly don’t want to trade in obesity for anorexia.
I honestly am making up this “lifestyle change” guideline as I go along. Can some knowing person let me in on the metabolism secret? Or the exercise game? I get up between 3:45 and 4:15 AM Monday thru Friday and exercise on my exercise bike for 45 minutes to an hour. On Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I go to the gym after to do cardio for another 45 minutes to an hour. I then try to do three weight machines with three sets of 12. Though I missed my morning workout, I got to do my nightly workout. After going at this for varying degrees for two years, I still don’t feel fit. I have this nasty flab in places and don’t feel pretty or healthy.
Le sigh…
Yesterday, for no real reason, I went off my healthy lifestyle plan. It happened late in the evening and there was really no excuse for it. I have not gone off plan for over a year. This morning I further hurt my cause by not exercising. Something else that I have not done in over a year. That 300 lb girl wants her body back and she is gearing up to kick my ass.
I used to weigh 298 lbs and now weigh 142. I still look in the mirror and see someone who is at least 250 lbs. And I often wonder if I will ever see my goal of 120 lbs. Honestly, I obsess and cry just as much as I did at my heaviest. I worry constantly about regaining and get downright pissed when I notice that I have to workout hard five days a week to lose half a pound and count every calorie, when there are people who can eat a hamburger and fries three times a week, workout twice a week (not so hard) and drink every night and weigh nothing. Does it get me angry? Yes, it does. Maybe I should not worry about what others do, but I am writing my blog to be honest and naked and this is how I feel.
Through my journey, I have found that formerly fat people fall into a few categories.
1. The scared: Destined to forever live as if you need to lose weight, calorie counting; never missing a workout and feeling guilty when you do; always thinking that you will wake up one morning at your heaviest; never being able to go out and eat or have a drink with family/friends. (I fall into this category.)
2. The liars: People who feel like what I described above but will never admit it.
3. The hoarders: Those who have found balance but simply won’t share it with the rest of us. These are the tricky ones because they snub their nose at the currently fat and get upset at the formerly fat who speak of their fat days.
4. The accepters: Those who have accepted that they are not like the “average” person and move on with living.
I guess it is better than being overweight but…
